Scared

Well, I knew it would happen evidently. I’ve managed to put it off for two or three years now, but it has finally settled in my mind. My heart is not having it yet, but my mind will not let it go. I am going to be alone. My husband is going to die and leave me – Alone.

I will be 68 years old this month and I have never spent one night of my life – Alone.

I married Doug at 18 and left my parents’ house to establish ours. Married now 50 years, I am at a total loss as to try and imagine what, in the name of God, I am going to do! Alone. My mind is doing it’s best to puzzle out how this could possibly work. What will I do all day? How can I possibly live in a house that has no one to talk to? Although, I have been getting a taste of that lately. Doug has days where he is nonverbal. Either because he can’t find his words or he simply has nothing to say. That has taken several months for me to get used to. But, at least he is here, if I want to ask a question. He can at least answer me. All our lives, he and I could, and did, talk about anything and everything! He was like a girlfriend! We would gossip, laugh, make fun of characters on tv, you name it! Until lately, I have never been lonely when I was with him! Now, what?

How will I spend my time? I don’t belong to a church, I’m not in any civic clubs, I don’t volunteer anywhere. A friend of mine once told me that everyone has to have a Purpose. A reason to get out of bed everyday, a reason to Live. Right now, of course, my Purpose is to make sure that Doug has the best quality of life that I can possibly give to him.

But, Later? After? The women in my family live almost always into their early – mid 90’s. What in the Hell am I supposed to do for the next, possibly 25 years? Alone.

I realize that I should be thankful for my (so far) good health and the family and friends that care about me. I have enough money to live on, but not any extra. But, I’ve found that, four years into this journey (with Alzheimer’s), I am losing family and some friends, stress and anxiety are eating away at my health, and money is a constant concern. I have spent the last few years, working on, and checking off, a huge “to-do” list. I have been so busy, that it is only recently, that I have had the chance to concentrate on the fact that I will have to start a new life; at some point. Here’s what is making this doubly hard for me. I have Never planned Anything concerning my life – Ever! I got pregnant in high school, married Doug at 18. My Mother and Doug talked me into going to college after the baby was born. I didn’t want to go, but did the best I could. When I got pregnant again, two years later, I dropped out of school and starting taking the first of many unskilled jobs. Telephone operator, receptionist at various places, etc. In my early 30’s, after baby #3, Doug decided to start his own business and “hired” me to run the office. I stayed there for the next 26 years until he retired and closed the business. It was hard for me to find a job in my 50’s, but with a little networking, got a job that I loved and stayed for 10 years. I had to “retire” in November of 2017 to come home and take care of Doug.

So, having been home for 16 months now, we have established a routine and I have the time to consider the (my) future. I have made a list of things/places that I have not experienced or gone to that might interest me. I guess my future will be a process of elimination. I suppose you need to mark off what you don’t like, to find out what you do. I have a couple of lady friends who (unfortunately) have recently become widows. I am watching them, rather intently, to see how they navigate “the waters.” I pray daily; some days several times a day! I think God and I are okay, so I’m hoping He will help me a lot, when the time comes. Later.